I'm Ready For Self Improvement

Maybe a year and a half is long but it has taken me this long to finally get myself together and decide. I want change. To improve myself. I see many flaws and I do know that I should just love myself for myself but it's not easy for some women, me being one of them. I know that I can be truly happy if I improve myself first. And now... I truly know that I'm ready to change. No more laziness. I won't be saying that anymore I have to do it. I need to stay organized and quit being a bum and just be ACTIVE!!! I plan to start P90X as well as come back and have a healthy eating regime. I am indeed already happy with my LIFE! I love all of my friends and family with all my heart (No matter how much my parents annoy the hell out of me I do love them I just don't say it or admit to it). I love my boyfriend most of all! He's the true and main inspiration for me wanting to improve myself.

2011 is just a new year and I don't this to be another year that just rolls by and then at the end of it I become disappointed in myself. The year always starts off slow but I know that eventually it will just go by in seconds without notice so right NOW I want to START! Start change!

I remember back when I was a freshmen in highschool... Like... around October 2005 was when I started doing just this simple bike exercise at home for like a half hour to 45 minutes and only ate salads like once a day and that's all I ate. In that month I stopped because I got sick but I lost like 5 pounds and damn! Those 5 pounds really made a difference in my appearence for me. 5 pounds seems like nothing but thinking back... it was ALOT! And I was really happy with myself. But then I just stopped and got discouraged because I was sick! How stupid! I look back and I really regret that I regret all those times that I slacked off in PE my freshmen year because it was too intense because damn... Lebeau was INTENSE!!!!

Even thinking about P90X scares the fucking shit out of me but I remember what my Economics teacher, Mr. Baldwin, said: Fear is good! It's damn good! It's what drives us to our goals!

And he's right. As scary as he seemed to people he was a very passionate man about teaching with tough love he gave but that soft kindness he withheld. I really appreciate all of the teachers I had in high school but there were only very few that actually stuck out to me. Mostly him of all, everything he said inspired me but I never actually put that inspiration to use.

There was one day when I stumbled upon this thread in this forum by this girl: Life in the Fat Lane
Hahaha! The title alone was kind of funny yet very fascinating. I took a look and I was blown away by how amazing this girl looked after she loss nearly 40+ pounds in a year! She looked INCREDIBLE!! I wanted to be just like her! But I never took that step forward to actually do it. Her story... was an inspiration.

Then there's that new show on MTV called, "I Used To Be Fat"
Interesting title alone but watching the hour long show from beginning to end it was really amazing how much those people loss so far and how amazing their bodies looked as well. But as well as their smiles! They were soooooo happy! I want to be happy just like them and smile without looking like a fat ass! That show as well has inspired me to Press Play and START!

With his words of wisdom and that sense of motivation I get from the thoughts of my boyfriend and all other senses of motivation... I know I can do this! I may be scared but all the fears I've had in my life I've overcame them. Now it's time to be healthy and active! Even as hard as it gets I can't be wanting to look forward to fast results like those weight loss pills or something that liposuction can do. Real weight loss takes time because with time comes an even greater reward.

I'M READY!!!

TVXQ - (왜) Keep Your Head Down

Keep your head down U-Know time (Max)

You know what time it is?

This is return of the king

(모두 끝나버렸다) 난 시작도 안 해봤는데

(헤어져 버렸다) 난 이유조차 못 듣고

주변 사람들 모두 하나같이 날보고 너 왜 그래

왜 그래 왜 그래 난 이미 나쁜 놈

(죄라면) 널 사랑한 게 죄라면

(그게 죄라면) 진실 했다는게 죄라면

(나는 Keep it low 나는 Keep it low) 난 참아내고 내 자릴 지켜

(Keep your head down)

넌 정말 예쁘지만 너무 다른 너의 속이 난 너무 두려워

(Keep your head down)

사랑했다 하지만 난 이제 널 놓겠다

(왜?) 날 그렇게 쉽게 떠났니

(왜?) 내가 쉬워 보였던 거니

(왜?) 내 가슴은 찢어지잖아

(왜?) 모두 한 순간의 꿈이었다면

(왜?) 바로잡을 시간이 있었다면

(왜?) 제발 네가 행복하길 바랬다

나, 언제나 언제나 너를 가진 걸로 충분했고

세상이 뭐래도 같은 꿈을 꿔서 행복했고

지금은 널 보내게 됐지만 어차피 내 길을 갈뿐이고

Now I’m just chillin’, Feel like I’m healing

늦어버렸다, 넌 다시 돌아갈 수 없단다

네가 없다면 난 무너질 거라 믿겠지 예전부터 넌

그건 착각이라고 내가 왜 그래 왜 그래 왜 그래 널 타일렀잖아

Hey 난 정말, 정말 슬펐다 철이 없던 네가

혹시라도 나쁜 사람 만날까 Why? baby

(Keep your head down)

넌 정말 예뻐 근데 그뿐이야 네 가슴에 중요한게 없는걸

(Keep your head down)

사랑의 아픔을 참는 가슴에 못 박고

(왜?) 날 그렇게 쉽게 떠났니

(왜?) 내가 쉬워 보였던 거니

(왜?) 내 가슴은 찢어지잖아

(왜?) 모두 한 순간의 꿈이었다면

(왜?) 바로잡을 시간이 있었다면

(왜?) 제발 네가 행복하길 바랬다

하~ 그렇게 너 사람 갖고 장난, 장난 치지 마라

내 앞에선 요래조래 거짓말만을 늘어놓고

누가 봐도 누가 봐도 넌 정말 이중적이야

(왜 왜 왜)수정 같던 마음들이 언제 그렇게 탁해졌니

사랑을 끝냈다 널 보낸 가슴이 텅 비워졌다

하지만 내 미래는 마치 일어나서 웃으라고 손짓한다

너를 보낸다 정말 행복하게 살아(왜왜왜)

먼 훗날에 먼 훗날에 그냥 편하게 웃고 싶다 하하

(왜?) 왜~~~~~~~~

(왜?) 사랑을 그렇게 쉽게 놔버리는 너를

(왜?) 누군가 걱정할거란 생각은 해봤나

(왜?) 니가 놔 버린 게 너는 뭔지

(왜?) 아직 모르는 것 같아

(왜?) 그대로 머물러 나를 지켜봐

(Keep your head down)

지워졌다, 사라졌다 내 가슴에 니가 죽어 모두 타버렸다

(Keep your head down)

지워졌다, 사라졌다 내 가슴에 니가 죽어 너는 이제 없다

________________________________________________

Keep your head down U-Know time (Max)
You know what time it is?
This is return of the king

(Everything has ended) I didn’t even start yet
(We broke up) I haven’t even heard the reason yet
Everyone around me keeps asking me why I’m like this
Why are you like that, why are you like that? I’m already the bad guy

(If it’s a sin) If loving you was a sin
(If that was a shin) If being genuine is a sin
(I’ll keep it low, I’ll keep it low) I’ll hold it in and stand my ground

(Keep your head down)
You look pretty, but inside you’re so different, that’s what I’m afraid of
(Keep your head down)
I said I loved you but I’ll let you go

(Why?) Did you leave me so easily
(Why?) Did I look easy to you?
(Why?) My heart is ripping to shreds
(Why?) If every moment was a dream
(Why?) If only I had the time to set it right
(Why?) I prayed for your happiness

I was always satisfied with having you
I was happy to dream the same dream as you no matter what they said
I had to let you go, but I’m just walking my path anyway
Now I’m just chillin’, Feel like I’m healing

It’s too late, you said you can’t come back
You’ve always believed that I’d crumble without you
That’s a misunderstanding, why would I do that? why, why, I told you I wouldn’t

(Hey) I was really, really sad, because you were so immature
and I was afraid you’d meet someone bad (Why? baby)

(Keep your head down)

You’re really pretty, but that’s all there is to you, there’s nothing important inside of you

(Keep your head down)

A nail is driven into the heart that is holding in the pain of love

(Why?) Why
(Why?) You let go of our love so easily
(Why?) Did you ever think that someone would get worried?
(Why?) I don’t think you know yet
(Why?) Exactly just what you let go of
(Why?) Just remain there and watch me grow

Ha~ Don’t play with people like that
In front of me, all you do is speak of lies
You’re such a two-faced person
(Why why why) Since when did our crystal-like feelings become so opaque?

Our love has ended, I’ve let you go, and now my heart is empty

But my future is gesturing towards me to get up and smile

I’m letting you go, live happily (why why why)

One day far from now, far from now, I want to just smile comfortably

(Why?) Why
(Why?) You let go of our love so easily
(Why?) Did you ever think that someone would get worried?
(Why?) I don’t think you know yet
(Why?) Exactly just what you let go of
(Why?) Just remain there and watch me grow

(Keep your head down)
Erased, disappeared, you’ve burned to death in my heart
(Keep your head down)
Erased, disappeared, you’ve died in my heart and you no longer exist

Under Appreciated

Seriously? Let's say this is the scenario... 50% of the population like this but the other 50% don't like this and that.

It's too bright could you change the color of this sub section? Could you make me a bunch of graphics? Could you change the icon of this and that here and here? I can't read this I can't read that. I hate this and that! Let me whine whine whine more more more!

It has to be a fucking JOKE as to how childish even adults can act on the simplest things. You can't read this part of a forum that I worked so hard to code and crap for you people then why don't you get some damn glasses. I made it this color and that color to make it look BAD ASS? I could just tear down the whole thing. As for those graphics... Damn I hate doing graphics now it's so damn boring! There's these people who are requesting I do some for them... But because I don't have much of a passion for it I don't want to give them crap work I rather give them quality than crap in all honesty. I work hard and put many hours into making my graphics the least you could do is use em and I'd greatly appreciate that even.

SORRY!!!

For sounding like such a god damn fucking BITCH! But I grew up with tough love and I admit it has made me a better person. Sure I appear mean and all that but I do happen to have a leveled head on my shoulders today. I think through my actions and even though my mom can be damn critical with her words I admit I have inherited those traits as well. But it's TOUGH LOVE. Learn from it. Deal with it. Hate me. I don't care. I don't care if people hate me because I give my true opinion on how to make things better because I myself know damn ass straight that whatever I say even if I sound harsh with words, it's right regardless. 

 Even if there's like 50% of people who aren't pleased with my work why should I go off and try pleasing them? What about the 50% of people who weren't even complaining? What if they get upset? So... Whoever is upset and crying should I run and tend to their wounds when they're grown ass people who can either suck it up and deal with the situation or run to another and cry about their situation. Not everyone is gonna get what they want, that's life. It's full of imperfections and imbalances but everyone's still alive. It's not the end of world. So why act like your world is ending if I can't fix one teeny tiny thing? 

I bet if the best thing in the world to be were to leave my life right now I wouldn't realize how great it was until it was gone. My parents for instance. I don't show them enough love and compassion and appreciation for what they do. I know I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. I love them very much and appreciate all the hard work they have done to give me the great life I have before me now. I just don't tell them I love them enough. But when I do tell them I love them and appreciate them, I'm sure they don't believe it because it sounds and feels all awkward. As awkward it would be they would believe my love and appreciation for them. 

But for people who are practically adults to come running to me with their petty crybaby shit, I don't need it. Take everything I say as an insult and get ass hurt for all I care but I say it with all the utmost love and respect for you. Tough love does the soul good. 

I was never a spoiled child. Sure I don't have a huge two-story house or own a brand new car or always go shopping every weekend when I know I have every chance to. But I don't need that stuff to make me happy. I'm perfectly content with all I've got right now. As you grow older your mindset changes and you come to a realization as to what's important and matters and what doesn't. For some it does kick it and for others it probably won't ever kick in and they could remain selfish the rest of their needy lives. 

Well that's the end of my rant. Ah... That felt so damn good... :D 

Music is a Cure for the Soul

If I could marry music I totally would in a heartbeat.

I'm not musically inclined when it comes to instruments but I would like to learn how to play the guitar and/or piano more efficiently. I wish I could sing like all those celebrities but I'm not looking for stardom, I sing because it's fun and makes me happy. As it does to everyone who sings to themselves whether it be in the car or in the shower.

Even when I'm feeling so sick and tired and exhausted and just about all those nasty symptoms you get when you're ill, just listening to a soft ballad by my favorite artist can relax me and put me back at ease. I believe music is the best cure to anything, next to chocolate.

I think music can reflect our personality and not to mention our current emotions. Like when you're listening to a sweet love ballad and even if you can't understand the language from the song it's the emotion within the melody and lyrics is what gets through to you. I really do love most if not all the ballads by TVXQ. The passion they put into the song it can literally bring you to tears, in a good way. I really love their song, Love in the Ice. Every time I listen to this song and read along with the lyrics I just feel myself so focused and infused into the song. I swear I can name off so many songs by these guys that I absolutely love because I fall into a dreamlike state mezmorizing it all. PROUD, Traveling (Yeo Hang Gi/여행기/), You're My Melody, Why Did I Fall In Love With You? (Dōshite Kimi o Suki ni Natte Shimattandarō?/どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？), Begin, and plenty more that I can't remember but there's tons!

Music to me is better than any chicken soup out there. Just listening to it makes me feel all well and healthy again.

I just love music! More than anything in the world! Well.... Not more than the love of my life that's 1st on the list :) Music and Make Up has to come in 2nd place with a tie as my top favorites.

When life just stresses me out too much I know I can turn to music to sooth my sorrows and just... forget about everything that's been too much of a burden to me.

Love In The Ice

식어버린 작은 손 지극히 떨리는 입술
아무일도 없었다고 견딜 수 있지
누군가를 추억하는 네 모습 두려운 거니
입안에서 맴도는 말 애써 삼키고

외면했었던 뒷모습이 새하얀 눈처럼 조금씩 녹아 내려

어두워진 밤하늘을 떠나지 않는 별처럼
사랑이란 믿음으로 영원히 함께하는 꿈

그 사람 내가 될 수 있다면 다시 한 번 굳어버린 그대 맘을
영원의 따스함으로 감싸 안을거야

현실의 벽에 부딪혀
시려오는 가슴이라 해도

흘러내린 눈물의 끝에는

흐려져가던 빛줄기가
어둠 속을 환하게 비추고
그 시간에 스며들어

숨이 멎을 벅찬 가슴에
뜨거운 체온을 서로 느낄 수 있어

누구라도 안고있는 상처와 깊은 한숨들
끌어안아 줄 수 있는 그 공간을 찾고 있어

나 단 한사람 그대에게만
속삭이는 설레임에 눈이 부실
나의 세상이 되어 곁에 있을테니

세상 끝에 홀로 (My heart~)
남겨졌다고 혼자였다고 (Don’t be afraid~)
아주 오래토록 (Let you know my love~)
내가 지켜 낼 (You know...)
사랑이니까 (Let you know my love~)

어두워진 밤하늘을 변하지 않는 별처럼
사랑이란 믿음으로 영원히 함께하는 꿈

그 사람 내가 될 수 있다면 다시 한 번 굳어버린 그대 맘을
영원의 따스함으로 감싸 안을거야

Your cold hands; your trembling lips,
You bear it as if nothing has happened

Are you afraid of reminiscing somebody?
Forcing yourself to swallow the words you wish to speak
Your disregard is starting to melt away, just like the white snow

Like the stars which don't leave the darkened sky,
Being together forever by the faith of love,
If I could be that person,
I'll embrace your solid heart with eternal warmth

Even if your heart is in pain, after confronting with reality,
At the end of each tears, there's a stream of light,
Which will light up the dark, and sink into time

In the unbearable heart, which has stopped,
We can feel each other with this warmth

The scars and sighs everybody holds,
Everybody is looking for a place to embrace them,
I, just to one person, just to you,
I'll be part of your beautiful world

Alone, at the end of the world; my heart,
You were left, you were alone; don't be afraid,
For a very long time; let you know my love,
I'll keep this; you know
Love secure; let you know my love

Like the stars which don't leave the darkened sky,
Being together forever by the faith of love,
If I could be that person,
I'll embrace your solid heart with eternal warmth

Favorite Quotes

• "Dude, if he really did leave you because of how your body looks, then he wasn't the guy for you" - Tanaya Clark, one of my best friends <3
• "Love me or hate me, both are in my favor…If u love me, I'll always be in your heart…If u hate me, I'll always be in your mind" - Shakespeare
• "Repeating the same mistakes is a sign of anxiety. Calm is the key to change" - Dave Zinczenko
• "It's so funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love, while at the back of our minds we know that the person that we truly love will always be an exception." - Maimai Cha
• “Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see” - Mark Twain
• "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe 
• Your single good deed, big or small, can inspire others and cause a ripple effect of kindness that continues to grow as others join in. Start something today — the more people who take action, the larger your ripple will become. 
• “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
  —Dalai Lama
• “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”
  —Plato
• Real eyes realize real lies.